life with ego

Saturday Salutations.

Dear Sunshine, what is the deal?  You shine a few days during the week and then pour all weekend.  This is the 3rd week in a row of this cycle and weather.com is already showing that next weekend will be a repeat. Stoppppppppppp!

Dear Charlie, you are driving me freakin' nuts.  Stop chewing on everything.  You give me more grief then my 1.75 year old -- I don't think that is normal!

Dear Gazebo, you look so nice standing in our courtyard, so new and clean.  I unfortunately did not do any background checking to see if our HOA was even going to allow us to have you.  I mean, I don't see what the problem could be, it's not like your a huge light up sign that says "Boobs & Beer Here!" -- but still, if you could think happy thoughts that we don't get arrested by the HOA I would really appreciate it.

Dear 24 Hour Fitness, I'm thinking about coming to see you again.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about our reunion though.  I hope our reunion is smooth and streamlined, like we were never apart.  If we could meet in the middle on this I would really appreciate it.

Dear Sprinkle's Cupcakes, you have done it yet again.  Pushed your opening date.  Your novelty is starting to wear off, I don't think I even care if you ever open anymore, I've tasted you before and you aren't worth waiting around for. (Ok, I didn't mean that, I'll probably still come visit you since I'm a sucker -- but I won't be happy about it!)

Dear Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I write this with a heavy heart but I finished off my last pack of clearance Easter Eggs this week.  I tried to savor every bite, knowing that I wouldn't be reunited with them again until Halloween decor is distributed (which let's be honest, if I shopped at Wal-Mart would be like July).  I'm not a candy designer or marketing professional but there but be some sort of summer holiday that we could make work.  I already have a few suggestions to help you along (pro bono):

• Earth Day - unfortunately you're too little too late for this one, but I mean a circle with a little bit of raised design, easy smeasy.
• Cinco De Mayo- Still time to make this one happen!  Beer bottle shaped?
• Mother's Day - A flower.
• Father's Day - A tie.
• July 4th - this is soooo logical, a star - WHY AREN'T YOU DOING THIS?
• Armed Forces Day - a bazooka?

Anyway, that's just a little something I've been working on.  If you can't make it happen I understand, but as mentioned above my heart will ache until Halloween.

Dear Ryan Seacrest, is it as awkward for you to try to extend 7 minutes of worth of talking into an hour as it is awkward for us to watch on American Idol elimination night?  While I have pen to paper, what do you think the show's chances of are surviving once Simon jumps ship?  I hope you are keeping your options open.  Even though I saw on Oprah you have 8 jobs, I think that AI is probably the big money ticket for you -- you can't expect America to want to keep up with the Kardashians forever.

Dear Jillian Michaels, I never knew it was possible to hate someone and yet want to hug them all in a few days time.  I mean I hate you constantly.  I hate that you make me feel like a loser when I can't possibly do one more jumping jack, yet you tell me that 400 pound men can do them.  I hate that you point to the perfect demonstrator's abs behind you and tell me they can by mine if I just keep torturing myself working out for 30 days and stop sneaking the brownies in the kitchen.  But after 5 days I swear my legs are more toned -- maybe your methods work, I'll get back to you.

Dear Target, I believe you have made a creature just as illusive as the Unicorn.  The Dog-Bunny.  I'm thinking of trademarking that name btw, so don't go trying to steal it.  The stuffed animal's tag simply reads "Dog with bunny ears", Dog-Bunny I came up with all on my own.  Ok, my 20 month old did.  But she is not old enough to responsibly collect the royalties, and have you seen the cost of of a 4 year public university in 16 years?  Plus, everyone wants me to have another and that means a half mil out of my pocket for both of them to get bachelors.  Sorry, I'm sure you don't care about my petty problems, so I digress and will get back to my point.  The Dog-Bunny is verrry confusing when you are  20 months old.  I realize you didn't force me to expose my toddler to this creature, I bought it of my own free will, it was cute, I'll give you that.  But when you have real dogs, and you have to do this to them to create a legit world for your 20 month old, that can cause problems.  I just wanted to make you aware of this situation.  If you want in on the Dog-Bunny™ verbage, just have your people call my people.

Dear Gasoline Makers/Distributors, have you seen the price lately?  Just wanted to bring it to your attention.

Dear Coat Rack, great news, I think I might finally be putting away all of those very heavy coats hanging on you -- I feel great confidence that Spring is going to stick around.

Dear Closet, I'm sorry to tell you that I will be moving the heavy coats into your territory at some point this week, the coat rack sends his condolences.

Dear Teenage Boy at Jamba Juice, thanks for explaining each step in the Strawberry Surf Rider making process and pointing out which fruits you were using to my kid, she was throughly fascinated.

Saturday Salutations

Dear Thunder, you confuse me when you decide to show yourself during The Girl's nap time.  Her trademark move for allowing me to know that she is awake and ready for me to let her out of prisonher bedroom is to bang on the door screaming "Mammmmma, I'm out..I'm coming..Mama are you coming??"  When you are blasting your loud rumblings outside I have to keep muting the television to see if it's you or her.  Sure, I could solve this by doing something more productive then watching television, but why would I want to?

Dear Pottery Barn Kids, your Red Retro Kitchen is very lovely and I want to own it, err allow my daughter to own it.  But me giving up on Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for the rest of my life is more likely then me paying $700 for your kitchen.  I mean, not that it's not worth it or anything, but it's a kid's kitchen.  It's fake.  If you wanted to send me some sort of 50% off coupon code or something I might throw it back into the consideration pile.

Dear Crayola, why do your bath tub crayons dissolve so quickly?  I mean I know it probably cost you a large chunk of money to pay the scientists who invented the chemical compound that allows them to exist.  I mean, that kind of idea isn't just going to fall out of my own head or anything.  And after they only lasted 3 bath times, I did indeed draw on my own bathtub with a real crayon to see if it came off just as easily as yours. And it didn't, so I felt a little less angry that I paid $4.99 for them.  It's your science and you can charge whatever you feel necessary but I don't think I'll be replacing them. 

Dear Garden/Lawn, we've now sank hundredddss (more then I feel comfortable sharing) into you so if you could start to look nice/grow some yummy veggies my heart might not ache so much.

Dear Coffee Table, are you somehow magnetically attracted to my kid's forehead?

Dear Scentsy Ocean Scent, if I could somehow implant you into my nose so I could smell you every time I inhaled I would be happy constantly.

Dear Frank Abagnale Jr., I just re-watched Leonardo Dicaprio portray you in Catch Me If You Can, I think your life is completely fascinating.

Saturday Salutations

Dear Blog, sorry I've been ignoring you lately, it's just so nice outside.

Dear Texas, thanks for the awesome weather, maybe I'll stop dogging you over California for a bit.

Dear Sprinkles Cupcakes, I see you pushed your Houston launch date again, surprise, surprise.

Dear Celebrity Medical Examiners, why is it that you continue to check that 'accidental' box in front of overdose, how to you tell the difference?

Dear Living Room Floor, does it hurt having so many toys sitting on you all day?

Dear Flip Flops, nice to see you again.

Dear Easter Bunny, I think you may have gone a little over board this year.

Dear Waste Management, could you get some sort of bull horn/siren to make yourself known when you enter my subdivision.  I mean, I know they sound of your loud mack truck is enough warning for some people but seeings as how there are lots of houses being built and big loud trucks come through here all day I'm kind of immune to your noise.  And since I can't remember to ever put my trash out promptly or on the correct day some sort of warning system would be greatly appreciated.  Also, why don't you supply your customers when those large trash cans?  At my previous residences they were supplied.  I don't have one because I can't fit one in my tiny Barbie sized SUV to bring it home.  I mean, I'd be willing to put a deposit down or something. Let me know what you think.

xoxo, Mallory

Saturday Salutations

Dear Companies Who Package Things, why do you insist on using that annoying edge sealed packaging that you have to use scissors to open?  Do you know how annoying that packaging is?  I nearly slice my hand open every time I have to deal with you.

Dear Light bulbs, why is it that within 24 hours of changing one of you on the ceiling fan, another goes out?

Dear Little Alphabet Blocks, why do you hurt so bad when I step on you?

Dear Leopard Print Fedora, I should have bought two of you and then maybe I would get a chance to wear one too.

Dear Face Towels, why is my kid so obsessed with you?

Dear Kid, why is it that when we go somewhere you prefer to walk, but when I bring your stroller into the house you sit in it for a half hour for funsies?

Dear Sunshine, thanks for being around so much lately.

Dear Open Sunroof, I'm glad we've been reunited again.

Dear Bubbles, thanks for being you, my kid is in love with you.

Dear Inventors of the World, could you please invent blocks that re stack themselves?

Dear Ducks, I'm not exactly sure what we did to you but could you please stop ignoring us?  This is the second time that we have come to feed you and you acted like we were invisible.  Not cool.  We eve brought good bread, not stale.

Dear Frosted Bakery, why is your open sign never lit up when I am near you, do you not want to serve me?  I could really stimulate your business.  Have you been speaking with my husband on very high cake intake, is this some sort of conspiracy?

Free Friday/Saturday Salutations/My Life Monday

Due to some technical publishing errors, I have a 3x super sized post for you!

Friday --

I have a lot of ideas floating in my head.  Some of them come to life, most stay in my head.  My MIL's (mother-in-law) birthday was coming up and I was trying to think of something to get her.  You know the kind, one of those people who pretty much has everything.  And then it came to me.  A coffee table.  She has a pretty mod coffee table but the top is glass and she nears an anxiety attack when the baby visits.  So I looked for a coffee table but was pretty underwhelmed with what I was find.  Then I found a blog made my an ordinary stay at home Mom that happens to make her own furniture.  Not just any furniture but super cool knockoffs from the big wigs at Pottery Barn and Land of Nod.  So that was it, I decided I was going to make her a coffee table. Make. Me, who doesn't even make beds.  I made the mistake of telling the husband my idea.  He thought it was brilliant of course but then he began to think it was his project.  So it slowly transformed into a team effort.  He wouldn't allow me to use the saw so he cut the wood, I assisted with the construction and even drilled, countersunk, and put screws in.  We both sanded and stained.  And in the end after a few leveling difficulties we had a coffee table.  A pretty awesome one if I do say so myself.

(This is the crappiest finished project photo ever, it was raining and I was trying to take a photo inside the garage, but it didn't capture the color at all and I couldn't get a good angle. Blech)

 


Here is the pottery barn inspiration.

I've already purchased the wood to start our next project!

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Saturday Salutations --

Dear Sprinkles Cupcakes, your website has been saying you were coming to Houston for over 2 years now.  You teased me with your deliciousness when we vacayed in Cali.  I wept for you when we left but felt secure since your website said you were arriving in "Summer 09".    Summer came and went.  You changed your website to "Fall 09" then "Winter 09", then finally a more exact date (not that it means anything to you) was given: "February 10".  So I once again have checked your website hoping for an exact date and it now reads "March '10". Seriously?  My stomach is growling.

Dear Jamba Juice, why don't you have a drive-thru?

Dear C-Phen DM, why don't you list on your little side effect handout that you could possibly make a normally sweet 19 month old into an evil being?

Dear Sickness, if you could please go away at some point during this week, that would be fabulous.

Dear Kitchen Drawers, thanks for just sitting around while I was trying to organize you and your contents, you could have at least given me a hand.

Dear Georgia & Labopotamus, if you could stop this shedding nonsense that would be terrific.

Dear Inventor of Snack Trap, you really deserve to be rich, I hope you are.

Dear HOA, I really hope that when you sent me a letter about the 3 little weeds in my front mulch (that are dead none the less, it's winter) that you also sent letters to the builder about the unsold lots that are overgrown.

xoxo, Mallory

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My Life Monday --

Busy week this week! 

1. We have about 4 things on the playgroup calendar that we will be participating in this week. I'm also attending a friends Scentsy launch party at the end of the week.  Around those activities I need to make a trip to the outlet mall, grocery store, library, CarSpa, and some other places that will probably pop up along the way.

2. We are wayy into the Olympics too.  I didn't think I loved them as much as the Summer but as long as I DVR ahead of time I can fast forward through the dull parts.  The Girl is fascinated with, I think it's called Alpine Downhill (?), where they ski down a bit and then jump, she thinks they are flying and loves it.

3. Operation Deep Clean and Lysol begins this week too.  We have family coming in next week that cannot stay with us if we are still sick, due to transporting germs to MD Anderson, so on top of attempting to get well at warp speed I also need to hose down the house in Lysol to try to rid of all of these upper respiratory germs we have floating around.  I need to do a triple vacuum of the carpet and the furniture to try and get as much dog hair out of the air as possible.

4. I did a mega batch picture order last week; I realized I don't have any pictures post her first birthday up around the house so that needed to change.  I'm doing a picture wall on our main eat in kitchen wall since it's a pretty big focal point when you enter the house through the courtyard.  I hope to have the husband hang everything this weekend and then all that will be missing is the dining room table that we are in the process of making.  My next photo project will be our bedroom, we have two very large walls that are blank, I need to pick out new bedding before I start on that project though.

Time to get started on our week...

Sunday Salutations

Dear Throat, please stop hurting.

Dear Sippy Cups, please stop allowing yourselves to get lost so that I hunt and hunt for you and never find you. When I find you two weeks later, please have magically evaporated your yucky contents.

Dear Blocks, please be more sturdy.  My tiny child is trying to get the fine motor skills down and you wobbling all over the place is not helping.

Dear Baby Gate Inventor, I thank you so kindly.

Dear Gwen Stefani, my kid loves fedoras too.

Dear Panera Bread, why don't you have a drivethru?

Dear Grammys, I'm having a pretty boring Sunday so if you could please not suck that would be fab.

Dear Circus, I don't think that you will ever be making any sort of profit from my family.  My kid thinks that my fake juggling is so amazing and hilarious that I don't think I could ever crush her spirits.